question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
