i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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