Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
