woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
