It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
