Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
