my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
