I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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