my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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