Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
