Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
