Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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