What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
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I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
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I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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