After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
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You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
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Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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