Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
