I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
