Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
