just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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