Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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