dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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