we have pet lesbian snakes
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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