god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
