are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
