you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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