My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
