I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
