she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
