I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
