It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
