We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
