guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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