There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
