i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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