New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
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He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
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There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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