his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
