I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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