We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
not ubering you a puppy
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
