I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
