So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
