I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
