How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
