Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
