Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
