I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
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I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
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You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize