Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
