He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
