Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
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