just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I need moral support for this bender
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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