Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
