the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
