there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
