i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
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