hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I got inside last night via doggy door
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
