This girl is more easily done than said...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
