Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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