Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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