Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's official drugs can't kill me
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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